The Blade and the Stitch
by pandorabox82
Summary: Roxanna can't seem to find her footing once she has the evidence necessary to stop John Gaskell. And Henrik seems even more remote than ever, which throws her even more off kilter. Will a change of scenery bring her the happiness she seeks?
1. To Stop You Giving In

Roxanna slumped down in her chair, staring at the darkened laptop that was sitting on her coffee table. She had meant to start researching some aspect of John's research when she arrived home, since it was still bothering her that he had refused to operate on Jac, even after knowing how close to death she was. It had been up to her to step in and make certain that the surgeon had survived. She didn't know why John had suddenly backed off from helping her in theatre, especially since this was his project, his creation, and that should have meant that he would want to everything in his power to see that the course steadied. Which had led to her wanting to research his work a little more deeply.

There didn't seem to be any sort of motivation for her, though, now that she had collapsed on the sofa. All she really wanted was something she could never have again, and that was to curl up in David's arms and sob. Roxanna hadn't been able to take John's advice on screaming to let her feelings out, and there wasn't really anyone that she wanted to talk to about everything that was going on. For the first time, it became quite obvious just how lonely and insular her life had become, and she hadn't really reflected upon that, either, since she had been so focused on so many intense situations back to back.

The first tears started to silently roll down her cheeks, and Roxanna pulled herself to her feet, leaving the laptop where she had set it as she made her way upstairs, wanting to wash away the stress and despair of the day. Before she had made it to the bathroom, however, her mobile rang, and she frowned deeply as she turned on the stairs and hurried back to the living room to pick up. "Yes?" she asked as she put the phone to her ear, not bothering to look at the display to see who it was.

"Roxanna."

Henrik's soothing voice spread over her mind, and she found herself sinking back down onto the sofa she had tried to leave a few moments ago, a sad smile on her lips as she held the phone to her ear with her shoulder and picked up a throw pillow to hold to her chest as she spoke to him. "Isn't it a bit late to call? I know that you like to get to sleep early."

There was a small pause before he responded, and Roxanna felt something lurch in her chest at that, wondering if she had finally pushed him away completely, after all the hints he had given that he cared for her deeply, maybe even as more than friends. She hadn't been ready to think about that, not when she had thrown herself into first Oliver's recovery, and then into John's trial. She had been blind to so much in an effort to drown her grief, that now when she was taking stock of everything, she felt like the protagonist from that Stevie Smith poem. But maybe, just maybe, Henrik would recognize that she was the one drowning.

"I couldn't get to sleep. You were on my mind, after what happened in theatre today. Are you doing all right?"

Those were exactly the words that she dreaded and needed to hear. Selfishly, she wished that he was sitting across from her, holding her hand, as he looked into her eyes and talked to her. "I'll be fine, Henrik, I just need to decompress from everything that went on today, including my conversations with John. I'm worried about him, Henrik."

"I'm worried about the both of you."

The frank honesty in his voice caused her to sigh deeply before pursing her lips together tightly. "I wish you wouldn't worry about me, I'm learning to handle my grief instead of it handling me. I just worry about my patients." The first hint of tears began to prickle her eyes and she blinked rapidly in order to keep them at bay. Henrik had always been able to hear her sadness, that was one of the things she had adored about him during their time in America.

"Well, if you don't mind, I will still worry about you, Roxanna. You're dear to me."

There was so much behind his words, the yearning there tugging at her heartstrings in a way she hadn't thought she was capable of at that moment. "And you're dear to me. You've been such a good friend to me, even while you're dealing with your own grief. You're that proverbial friend who has stuck closer than a brother."

Roxanna couldn't be certain, but the small breath she heard over the transom sounded almost disappointed at the analogy. She bit her lip to keep in the sigh, waiting to hear what he would say next, hoping that she had been wrong about his reaction. "You know that you've always been close to my heart. I should probably let you go, though, so that you can get some rest for tomorrow. Try not to beat yourself up about what occurred outside of theatre today. You did an amazing job saving Jac, and in the end that is all that matters."

She nodded a little, drawing in a long breath. "Thank you, I think I really needed to hear that after everything that went on today. Sleep well, Henrik."

"You as well, Roxanna." They hung up, and she put her phone back on the charger before getting up and heading back to the stairs. This time, she didn't drag her feet as she climbed the steps, knowing that she needed to get in the shower before she just gave up on everything and crawled into bed without even taking off her clothes.

Flipping on the light, she squinted against the harshness of the lights seeming magnified to her eyes. Screwing them closed, she hurriedly stripped, trying not to trip as she shimmied her way out of her tights. Finally feeling ready to open her eyes once more, she stepped into the shower and turned the water on, allowing it to sluice down on her as she allowed the tears to finally come pouring down her face as she gave in to the need to release all the negative emotions she had been holding in all day. A primal scream tore itself from her lips as she bent her head and looked down at the drain, watching the water swirl before disappearing. A piece of her soul wished that she could be like that water, following the drain out to sea and disappearing like foam on the waves as they crashed to shore. But she couldn't do that to Henrik, not after all he had lost so recently.

Slapping her hand against the shower wall a few times, she struggled to get control of her breaths so that she could focus on washing her hair and body without the water running cold on her. Her usual routine didn't take too long, and then she was getting out of the shower and wrapping a towel around her body as she stumbled into her bedroom. The towel dropped to the floor as she tugged one of David's shirts out of the dresser. It still smelled like him, and she cried a little more as she tugged it over her head and then traipsed over to her bed, falling onto the mattress as she hugged his pillow tightly to her chest, trying to will herself to sleep before she started to sob once more.


	2. Let Surrender Eclipse the Sun

She hadn't known why she had thought that going off on her own to hunt down all John's former patients was a great idea, since she was missing home terribly. She was missing Henrik terribly, if she was honest, though she wasn't certain she wanted to dwell on those feelings too deeply, not when she had to think about everyone that John was putting in danger by taking risks that were untenable. Sighing a little, she raked her fingers through her hair and made her way to the queue for her flight to Portugal. This was her last stop before home, and she hoped that she would find something that would allay her fears, rather than cause them to spiral even more.

As she followed the others on board, Roxanna felt her phone buzz, and she pulled it out of her pocket to see that Henrik had texted her. _I hope that everything is going well. Call me if you need anything. Take care, H._

A smile fluttered across her lips as she ran her thumb along that message, wondering how she would reply to that. There wasn't really any news to tell him at the moment, so she slipped her phone back into her pocket and took a deep breath. Lazlo had finally gotten in contact with her, inviting her to Portugal, so that they could discuss what her concerns were. Finally, she unlocked her phone and opened her texts, still smiling sadly as she tapped out a reply to Henrik. _Things are going well, I just have one last person to interview. I should be home again, soon, and I cannot wait to see you. Stay safe until I get there. Rox_

Her thumb hovered above the send button for a moment longer than necessary, and she let out a long breath as she finally found the courage to send it off before straightening her shoulders and handing over her passport and boarding card to the attendant. Giving the young woman a nod, Roxanna made her way onto the plane and found her seat in business class, storing her small case beneath her seat before taking her phone out of her pocket to see if he'd replied. There wasn't anything there, and she felt her heart sink a little at that. Even though it had only been five minutes, she had still hoped that there would have been something from him. Shaking her head a little, she turned the phone to airplane mode before calling up her notes app and continuing to work on the case she was putting together to present to Henrik. He would be able to tell her if she was truly making the right connections, or if her grief had manifested in such a way that she was grasping at straws.

It was an easy flight, and Roxanna found herself passing on the drinks and snacks offered to her, since she didn't want to lost any time to the toilet. It was going to be a bit of a tight race to get to the meeting on time as it was, since the only flight she had been able to book landed only an hour beforehand. And since she still had to make it through customs, a tiny part of her brain was screaming at her that she was going to miss this connection, and thus, have everything fall down around her feet.

The pilot landed smoothly, and she glanced at her watch to see that they were in about five minutes early, though that might be eaten up by taxiing to their gate. Since she didn't have any luggage besides her small case, Roxanna was able to be one of the first people off, which allowed her to be one of the first people in line at customs. She fought hard to keep from tapping her foot in impatience, since it wasn't their fault that things were so close.

The moment she received the stamp in her passport, Roxanna palmed it and then took off ground transportation, finding a free taxi handily, telling the driver the address she needed to get to. As he drove, Roxanna turned her phone back on, ignoring all the notifications she had received in order to send off a quick text to Lazlo, letting him know that she was on her way. Once that was done, she settled back against the seat and scrolled through her other messages, seeing one from Serena that she quickly returned before tapping Henrik's name.

 _I hope you find what you're looking for. And that you feel able to come home and start anew._

There was something melancholy about his words, and she found herself frowning a little, not knowing how to reply to him. And then, the driver was stopping in front of her destination, and she couldn't afford to focus on home when she needed to think about bringing John's lies to light. Paying the man, she climbed out of the car and strode up to the front door, knocking firmly. It took a little while for Lazlo to answer her, but then he was opening the door, a warm smile on his lips. "You made it!"

"I did," she answered, a warm smile on her lips. "Did you manage to arrange us some time at the clinic?"

He welcomed her inside, his large hand spreading out on her back as he nodded. "Yes, but it won't be for another hour or so. I thought that you might be rushed getting here, and wanted you to have a bit of a buffer."

Roxanna felt like she could listen to him speak all day, his accented English enchanting to her ears. "Thank you," she said as they went into the kitchen. He had made them a pot of tea, and she sighed a little as she took the seat he indicated for her, wrapping her hands around the mug he placed in her hands and breathing in the scent of the brew. "It's always good to have a chance to breathe before we carry on to the next thing."

Lazlo nodded as he took a seat across from her. "So, you have worked with Professor Gaskell for a long time, yes?"

"Off and on, yes. We've always striven to push each other to the highest levels of excellence, and that's why I wanted to help him with this trial. It has such promise for so many people, but like I said over email, there are a couple of questions that we need to answer, and to run some follow up tests, to see how you're doing. It's completely routine, but when you're working on something of this magnitude, things like this need to happen."

Lazlo nodded understandingly, and she relaxed a little in her chair as she took a sip of tea, relishing the warmth that spread through her body. And while she knew that this next step in her journey wasn't going to be the easiest, the fact that Lazlo was willing to help her told her that she was truly on the right track. All she needed to do was have a little faith in the process, and that she would be able to prove to Henrik that she had been right along, that she wasn't insane with grief, and then together they could put an end to this nightmare.


	3. Show Me Any Escape

Lisbon to home, that was all she could think as she boarded the plane, armed with the information that she had needed to find. A large part of her heart was heavy with regret, since she hadn't truly wished to believe that John was faking his results, but the weight of their dead patients had superseded her grief for her friend. She had sent a quick text home to Henrik, telling him to meet her at the airport, and he had agreed, which eased her burden a little.

Roxanna followed the others onboard, slinging her bag over her shoulder a little as they went along. She knew that she had to stay calm, to try and sound rational when she spoke with Henrik, since she had no idea what tales John had been spinning in her absence. She knew now that he would stoop to any low, as long as it got him what he wanted. It was something she should have seen back in Boston, but even then, she had wanted to believe the best in everyone, even when she felt like she was drowning beneath the weight of false gaiety.

"I'm coming home," she murmured after stepping onto the plane and finding her seat. Again, she had managed to get a window, and she sighed with pleasure as she slid her case beneath the seat in front of her. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she checked to see if Henrik had sent her anything, and smiled a little to see that he had remembered her.

 _There's been a slight change of plans, Roxanna, and I've been pulled into surgery. I've asked Lofty to pick you up, since he has always been a steadfast, dependable, young man. I wish that I could have been there, but with Sacha still on leave, there was no one else to perform the surgery. Stay safe until you're back here. H_

She couldn't deny that she was disappointed by the change, but she did understand. Letting out a soft sigh, Roxanna wrote a quick reply before turning the phone on airplane mode and thumbing through her photo gallery. Her heart clenched a little painfully to see the happy smiles on the faces of David and Henrik. They were the loves of her life, and it seemed as if both had left them in the worst ways possible. Oh, she knew it wasn't fair to think that Henrik had left her, but it did seem that way from her perspective, and it was hard to shake that notion.

Even though the flight was only three hours long, Roxanna found herself falling asleep about twenty minutes into the it, the weariness of her soul overwhelming her body. It wasn't until the flight attendant shook her shoulder gently that she came back to the waking world, and she threw him a grateful smile as she stretched a little and then gathered her bag before leaving the plane and exiting to the terminal. There was something delicious about the scent of home, even if it was recycled air. She was never more grateful than that moment that she hadn't brought any luggage with her, since that meant she could just breeze through customs and head out to meet Lofty.

"There you are, Ms MacMillan!"

Roxanna turned to the sound of Lofty's voice, a soft smile on her lips as she closed the distance between them. "Thank you for coming to pick me up."

"I would never have left you hanging, ma'am," he said softly as he held out his hand. "May I take your bag?"

"It's not that heavy."

"Maybe so, but I'd still like to carry it for you. You've been traveling for so long, that any ease of your burden might be welcome?"

She chuckled a little as she handed the bag over to him, somehow knowing that she wouldn't be able to say no. "I suppose." Handing the bag over to him, they began to head out to the carpark, and she took out her phone, quickly scrolling through her notifications. There was nothing from Henrik, but she supposed that he had gone into surgery sometime while she was in the air, so that made sense. She was a bit stunned to see a message from John, asking to meet with her when she returned, but she supposed that she would have to get that over and done with before she went to Henrik with everything she had found out.

"Are you done with your travels, then? Mister Hanssen made it seem like you were."

Roxanna nodded absently as she watched out the window. While nothing appeared to have changed, she felt like everything had, an impending sense of doom clouding her mind as the sun shone outside. "I have found everything that I was looking for, yes. I'm not pleased with the results, but I'll have to live with that."

A silence fell over the car the rest of the drive to the hospital, and she wasn't surprised to find Lofty fairly dashing from the car in order to escape her mood. Shaking her head a little, Roxanna shouldered her bag and started towards the entrance, her mind focusing on what she was going to say to John. A startled gasp escaped her lips when she felt a strong pair of hands grab her from behind and push her up against the brick wall.

"What did you think you were looking for in Lisbon?" John hissed as he leaned in close to her. For the first time, Roxanna noticed how cold his eyes were. There was no emotion there, no feeling, and she shivered involuntarily, fear filling every cell of her body as she tried to pull away from him. His fingers just tightened around her upper arms, feeling like iron vises holding her there. "Answer me, Rox!"

She blanched, pulling away from him as much as she could with the cold brick unyielding at her back. "I found exactly what I was looking for, John. And when Henrik sees what I've brought back, he'll see you for what you are, too! Nothing more than a megalomaniac playing at being God!"

Roxanna watched John's nostrils flare a little, and she flinched as he raised his hand as if to strike her. Instead, he smacked the brick wall firmly, right near her head, and she tried to swallow the scream that tore at her throat, though it came out as a strangled whimper nonetheless. "You will do nothing of the sort, Rox, if you know what's good for you. I have worked too hard for too long to see everything fall down around my feet in shambles. You do not want to cross me."

The first frightened tears began to roll down her cheeks as she nodded, finally able to pull her other arm free from his grip. "You've changed, John. You've become a monster," she murmured as she rubbed her upper arms, trying to ease the feeling of his hands away from her body. Unwilling to turn her back on him, she carefully made her way from the secluded alcove they had been in, not feeling safe until she had escaped into a throng of colleagues, not really caring what her face looked like, certain that it was full of fear and trepidation. And she was more certain than ever that Henrik would be the only one who could save her from this nightmare.


	4. Don't Let Them See You Fall

Roxanna had tried to show Henrik the bruises that were already forming on her upper arms from where John had been holding on so tightly, but he had been more focused on the fact that his surgery had not been as successful as he had hoped. Swiping furiously at her eyes, she had fled from their office, her bag dropping to the ground with a dull thud that seemed to have caught his attention before she slammed the office door closed.

Keeping her head down, she had hurried out to the toilet, hoping that no one noticed the tears on her face as she shut herself away in a cubicle. A part of her knew that she couldn't hide there forever, but at the same time, she didn't want anyone to see her fall, to notice that she wasn't all right. So many of her colleagues would enquire and poke and prod, and she didn't want that. Pressing her hand tightly to her lips, she let the sobs wrack her body. She didn't know what was worse – John's attack on her, or Henrik's indifference.

She must not have been quiet enough, since a few minutes later, someone knocked softly on her cubicle door. "Roxanna? Are you okay?"

Essie's voice was the last one she had expected to hear, and Roxanna wiped her hands over her face to remove the traces of her tears as she stood up and opened the door, brushing past the shorter woman to head over to the sinks so that she could wash her face. "I'm fine, I'm just a little more tired than I expected to be after all the travels I've been on. Lofty said I should have gone home, but I felt there was still something I could do here. I'm going to take him up on his advice, though, I think. Home, and my bed, are calling out my name."

She didn't seem to buy it entirely, but said nothing as Roxanna patted her face dry and made for the door. "Henrik sent me in here to check on you. I just thought you should know that." Roxanna paused in the doorway of the toilet, turning to look back at the woman. She had a concerned look on her face, and Roxanna fought to keep from snapping at her that she wasn't a child that needed looking after. "He cares about you much more than you realise."

Roxanna gave Essie a tight smile, blinking rapidly as she fought to control her anger. "You do not know me well enough to make a blanket statement like that, Nurse Di Lucca," she bit out before leaving the toilet and heading back to her office. She knew that Henrik and she had to talk this out, to clear the air between them, but she found herself faltering when it came to coming up with the right words to say. Pausing outside the office, her hand on the doorknob, Roxanna drew in a few deep breaths, finding herself near tears once more.

Finally, she gathered up her courage and entered, hoping that Henrik was still there. She closed the door with a soft click, noticing that he didn't even turn his head in the slightest at the small noise. Letting out the breath she had been holding, Roxanna took a few steps towards him, noticing that his shoulders were shaking a little, silent cries that tugged at her heartstrings, and she rubbed her lips together as she continued to close the distance between them.

Reaching out, she placed her hand on his shoulder, wanting to comfort him. "Henrik," she breathed out, feeling her own tears start to spill down her cheeks once more at his sorrow. The first flinch felt like a dagger to her stomach, and she involuntarily tightened her grip on his shoulder. A gasp tore from her lips as he wrenched himself away, moving closer towards the window, actively trying to get away from her. It was a move that shattered her heart, and Roxanna pressed her fist against her lips as she withdrew from him, going over to her desk and picking up her bag, which he had left on her desk. Rummaging around in it, she pulled out the binder with all the information she had gathered to bring John down. "I'm going home, I need to recover from all my travelling. If you care, I'll leave my research on your desk."

She was proud of the fact that she kept a quaver from her voice as she spoke, watching him closely for any sign of reaction. There was nothing forthcoming, no twitch, no turn, and a shuddering breath left her body before she swallowed thickly and slipped the strap of her bag across her body. Wiping her face free of tears once more, Roxanna straightened her shoulders and left the office yet again, heading down to Pulses. As she waited for her coffee, she ordered herself a taxi, hoping that Henrik would come down and stop her, even though she knew that he wouldn't. He was wounded in some way that she couldn't put her finger on, and a part of her wondered if she had waited too long to reciprocate the feelings Henrik felt for her.

Her phone buzzed in her hand, and she looked at the display, her heart leaping up with hope. Instead, it was a text from her driver, informing her that her taxi was waiting outside. Tightening her grip on her cup, she made her way outside and into the taxi, giving her driver a small smile before gazing up at the hospital. "Where are you headed to?" he asked and she turned her attention to him once more, rattling off her home address before settling back in her seat.

As the drive went on, she continued to cry quietly, trying to ignore the sympathetic looks her driver was giving her. She knew that he wanted to ask her what was wrong, but was refraining out of politeness, which she was eternally grateful for. Finally, he stopped outside her home, and she paid him and clambered out, weaving a little as tried to gain her balance and head up her walk. It was hard to curb the impulse to wave at the vehicle as he took off, but she managed to keep from embarrassing herself further as she let herself into her home.

The space felt wrong to her as she set her bag on the end table near the door, slipping out of her flats and making her way into the kitchen. A still voice whispered in her ear that it was the perfect time for a very large glass of gin, but she forced herself to make a pot of tea, knowing that it was better for her. As the water heated up, she finished off her coffee and threw the cup away before rifling through her fridge for something to eat with her tea.

Her phone vibrated once more, and she pulled it out to see who was trying to get ahold of her now, disappointment bowing her shoulders when she saw that Lofty had sent her a message, sending his well wishes. She smiled a little as she tapped out a reply, thanking him for his concern before she pulled out the remains of a chocolate cake she had bought shortly before leaving on her mission. Pulling it out, she set the container on the table and then poured her water into a large mug for her tea. Roxanna set her phone on the table next to her as she began to eat, hoping beyond hope that Henrik might reach out to her and ease the ache that was heavy in her heart.


	5. Common Misery Is All We Have

"Thank you for understanding, Ms Tate. I just feel like I've reached the end of my rope, and I wouldn't want to endanger any patients with my burnout. I should be ready to come back to work in a week, I just need some time to regroup and find my focus once more."  
The lies spilling from her tongue sounded harsh to Roxanna's ears, and she only hoped that Abigail wouldn't hear the same thing she did. "It's perfectly all right, Ms MacMillan. You've been pushing yourself so hard, what with your participation in Professor Gaskell's clinical trial along with your regular workload. I would have taken a week off long before this, if I was in your shoes. And when you get back next week, we'll have drinks at Albie's, and catch up on things. Okay?"

Roxanna quickly swallowed the exasperated sigh that was her first reaction to that suggestion. "That would be lovely," she said, adding another lie to her conversation. "I'll see you in a week." Hanging up before the other woman could say anything else, Roxanna gently tossed her phone onto the coffee table and then curled up in a ball in a corner of her sofa. Last night had been long and quiet, with no word from Henrik, though she had heard from Lofty, asking if he could do anything for her. The concern had warmed her heart, even if she couldn't bring herself to request anything from him.

Knowing that she couldn't wallow in misery the whole morning, Roxanna picked up her tablet and started to catch up on a few of the journals she subscribed to, starting with _Experimental Neurology_. There was a great article that she had bookmarked in it, waiting for a time she had more than ten minutes to herself to begin it. Getting into what others were doing in her field of medicine helped to shift her focus onto things that mattered more than her relationship woes with both John and Henrik. Though they had been friends for so long, it seemed like that time had certainly come to an end, unnatural though it was with her and John. Henrik, though, that was what hurt the most. Just as she had started to get a handle on her feelings for him, he had shut her out again, like he had in med school, and the ache in her heart was overwhelming.

Roxanna was a little amazed at the alacrity with which her intrusive thoughts returned after she had finished the article, and she closed out the app before opening her email. There was a new one from Meena, and she sighed with frustration as she read what the young doctor was complaining about now. It was difficult to give her an answer that wasn't short and biting, but she did her best, pointing her towards John or Serena for answers, since she wouldn't be in that week.

While she had her email open, Roxanna decided to throw caution to the wind and write to Henrik, hoping that he would respond to her. _Henrik, I know that we left things in a weird space when I left yesterday. I've had a night to sleep on things, and hope that you're also doing better. I feel like I've been off kilter for so long, that finding the answers I sought led to a huge crush of disappointment. I wanted to decompress with you, since you understand me and we've been friends for so long. And then, you pushed me away. I'm so vulnerable right now, Henrik. And I guess I had just assumed that you would always be there to catch me when I was falling. But it sort of feels like the only thing we have these days is common misery, and that is maybe the saddest thing I've ever written. Because I think I also realized something yesterday, and that is I think my feelings for you run a little deeper than merely friendship. And I think that I may have missed out on the opportunity to see if we could pick up where we left things thirty years ago. Maybe we can't step into the same stream twice. Maybe I'm a fool. But a part of me cares for you deeply, and I wish I had the courage to say that to your face without bursting into tears. I wish you believed me about John. I wish a lot of things, but most of them I know I can never have. I hope to hear from you soon. All my love, Roxanna_

She pressed the send button before she could chicken out and then she set the tablet aside as she got up from the sofa and stretched a little. Her stomach growled, and she padded into the kitchen, quickly making herself a sandwich before heading back into the living room and sitting on the sofa once more. As Roxanna ate, she picked up her tablet once more, deciding to lose herself in mindless videos on YouTube. David had introduced her to the practice years ago, when she felt close to collapsing under the weight of her research.

A few hours flew by, and she found her mind once more centering into a better place, though the dull ache in her heart hadn't gone away. Unable to stop herself, Roxanna checked her email, wondering if there would be a reply. There was nothing new, and she tossed aside the tablet with a small huff before getting to her feet and heading upstairs to her bedroom.

Since she hadn't gotten dressed that morning, there was no reason to change, and Roxanna climbed beneath the covers of her bed, pulling them up around her shoulders as she stared up at the ceiling. She was exhausted, but felt like she couldn't sleep, and she restlessly turned onto her side, staring out her window at the rapidly darkening sky. The grey clouds that formed perfectly matched her feelings, and then the first loud crack of thunder struck, and she shivered a little as the rain started to pelt down.

Watching the storm rage on, she felt the irrational urge to run outside and stand there, allowing the storm to thoroughly soak her. Letting out a deep sigh, she turned away from the window, trying to drown out the desire in her with the sound of the storm as she closed her eyes, trying to will herself to sleep. That was a failure, however, as the storm passed by without her passing out. Letting out a deep breath, Roxanna reached up and turned on the lamp on her nightstand, sitting up against the headboard as she picked up the large book there, opening it to where she had left off.

It wasn't until she found herself rereading the same paragraph for the fifth time without retaining any of what the story was about that she slammed the book shut, letting it thump back onto the table before sliding down on the mattress and kicking the sheets to the foot of the bed, running her hands over her head as she tried to figure out why she couldn't focus, why she couldn't sleep, why she couldn't shut her feelings off and just be content with what she had been given this late in her life. Somehow, she didn't think that she would ever find that contentment, and as she began to sob once more, she curled into a ball, pulling a pillow tight to her chest as she allowed herself to grieve for everything that had gone wrong in her life.


	6. How It Ends For Us

It was already Thursday, and Roxanna had no idea where Wednesday had gone. All she knew is that she hadn't heard from Henrik, and his silence was close to breaking her. She gave herself an ultimatum, if she hadn't heard from him by three that afternoon, she was going to turn her focus to something different, on somewhere different.

As the hours slowly passed by, all she could think about was the fact that Henrik wouldn't let her down, that he would know she had set this ultimatum for him, without her having to tell him about it. Her brain fixated on that, as if she could will that into truth. This couldn't be how it ended for them, fate would not be so cruel as to tear them asunder at this juncture.

As the minutes ticked ever onwards to three, Roxanna found herself obsessively reloading her email, wanting there to be something new, something from him. And even after the clock had turned to one minute past the hour, she still reloaded a few more times, her heart and mind not quite believing that he had missed the arbitrary deadline she had laid down for him. "Henrik, why?" she murmured, her heart shattering in her chest as she exited out of her email and picked up her laptop.

She knew now that she couldn't stay in Holby, that she had to escape the shackles of her failures. Opening Chrome, she quickly called up the flight schedule for the airport, finding a direct flight that would take her as far away from there are she could get. Booking it before she could change her mind, Roxanna then went up to her bedroom and hastily packed a suitcase with enough clothes to last her two weeks. That should be enough time to heal and think about returning home. And maybe, at the end of that time, Henrik would have contacted her to figure out where they were going.

Shaking her head a little, she retrieved her passport from the wall safe, stuffing it in her pocket before taking everything downstairs and then booking herself a taxi. As she waited for the car, she checked her email a few more times, finding no reply from anyone that she cared for. Letting out a soft breath of disappointment, Roxanna sent an email to Abigail, informing her of the decision to go to Chicago, and that she would update her on what was going on when she knew more. Then Roxanna forced herself to exit her email and finish the wait for the taxi in contemplative silence.

She was surprised when she stepped out her door to find that the same driver who had brought her home earlier that week was approaching her stoop, a warm smile on his lips. "I can get your bag for you, ma'am," he said as he grabbed the handle and lifted it with ease. "Off to the airport today?"

"Yeah, I'm off for a short holiday in Chicago. I received some bad news recently regarding my work, and felt some time away would be for the best."

The smile never faltered on the man's face, and she felt so relieved that at least someone in her life, even a virtual stranger, cared enough about her to ask. "Chicago is a city I have never been to. I've been to Boston, in the fall, and it was nice, but you'll have that lake to look at. From what I've heard, it's like an inland sea."

She nodded as she relaxed into the peace of small talk, finding it a bit soothing to her frazzled mind as he took her to the airport. "Thank you," she murmured as he grabbed her bag out of the boot, and he gave her a small nod.

"It was my pleasure. And if you do book another taxi through our service, don't hesitate to ask for Steven."

She nodded in reply, taking hold of her case and heading inside the airport. It didn't take her long to check in and get through security, and then she was heading to her gate, taking a seat and waiting to board. Roxanna knew that she would be landing at almost nine in the evening, and so she looked for a hotel room close to the airport for the evening, knowing that she wouldn't want to travel very far before she found a bed. After booking that, she began to read another article in her favourite journal, finding that that eased the anxiety she was feeling at running so far away from home.

One of the perks of first-class travel allowed her to board relatively quickly into the process, and after she had stuffed her bag into the overhead compartment, she curled up in her seat and watched out the window at a sky that was already starting to darken. "I can't believe that this is how it ends for us," she whispered, pressing her hand against the window before opening the plastic holding her blanket, covering her body with it as she made herself more comfortable.

By the time the plane took off, she was already half asleep, though she knew that that would wreak havoc with her system when she landed. Roxanna sighed a little as she fought to wake up, and she dug her phone out of her pocket and began to flip through the pictures on it. The first tears trembled on her lashes as she gazed on David's face, seeing the love there as he looked down at her. She missed him so desperately, and wanted nothing more than to have him by her side as she tried to work out just how she could have been fooled by John for so long.

"Are you headed home?"

She glanced over to see that an older woman was seated next to her, a warm smile on her lips. A part of Roxanna didn't want to answer her, but she couldn't be rude. "No, I'm on holiday for a few weeks. I needed some time away." The older woman glanced down at her phone, and Roxanna quickly closed it down, not wanting to show off the reason for her present sorrow. "I'll probably sleep the entire time of the flight."

"Good luck with that. I can never sleep on a flight."

Roxanna shrugged a little as she accepted the earbuds from the flight attendant, unwrapping them and plugging it into her phone before starting to play her music, using it to drown out the ambient noise of the plane and the woman next to her. She turned to face the window once more, letting her eyes flutter closed as she tried to shut out the world around her. Everything was fine, up until she heard the familiar strains of "Remember When the Music" began to play.

The first tears were slow to drip down her face, but by the time the song was half over, she was copiously crying, pulling the blanket up to her chin as she kept herself quiet, not wanting to draw attention to herself. Her thoughts frantically swirled around remembrances of her David, of John, and of Henrik, and she found herself wondering what the different men in her life were to her, blades or stitches. Because each had wounded her heart, but each had also sewn her back together at crucial points in her life. Right now, she was falling apart at the seams that they had each stitched into her heart, and she didn't know if she'd ever be whole again.


	7. No Sweetness In His Name

Roxanna had been at the Majestic for three days, barely leaving her room for breakfast before heading back. The clothes that she had packed still resided in her suitcase, as she wore the same thing every day – a pair of black jeans and an oversized jumper that smelled strongly of sandalwood. She knew that wallowing like she was wasn't the healthiest idea she'd ever had, but as depression had slithered into her brain, she found it harder to care about making healthy decisions.

Sighing, she reached out and turned off her alarm before sitting up and running her fingers through her limp hair. Knowing that she had to take a shower, she forced herself to strip out of her pyjamas and pad into the bathroom, stepping into the shower and washing as quickly as she could before drying off and pulling on her new uniform, desperately wishing that the jumper she was wrapping herself in was actually Henrik's arms. Henrik. Now, separated from him for four days, having no word from him, there was no sweetness in his name. If she was honest with herself, there was no sweetness in anything that she used to enjoy. A grey cloud had descended upon her, and no matter how much she tried to change, she couldn't find herself walking out from under it.

Slipping her key and phone into her pocket, Roxanna made her way down to the breakfast room, quickly grabbing a cup of coffee and a muffin before taking a seat in what she considered to be her chair next to the fireplace. She ate slowly, knowing that she needed to sustenance, but not really hungry. Roxanna nodded to the front desk worker who was refreshing the orange juice, before standing that throwing her trash away and making for the door.

The warm air slapped her face as she turned down the sidewalk, heading for the water. That seemed to be the only thing that soothed her these days, and as soon as she reached her destination, she sat down on the grass and stared out at the boats. Pulling out her phone, she took a few pictures to remind herself of how lovely the day was before she scrolled through her text messages. She tried to tell herself that she wasn't looking for something from Henrik, but she knew that she was kidding herself. A deep groan of discontent tumbled from her lips when she didn't see anything there from him, and then she quickly checked her email, seeing there was nothing important to answer. Though that didn't surprise her, since her life had been in a permanent holding pattern ever since she had come to America. Even Lofty had taken to not reaching out to her anymore, as if her melancholy had seeped over the transom to infect him as well.

Flopping back onto the ground, she stared up at the sky, squinting a little at the sun as it was hidden by a cloud. Finally, she had to close her eyes against the glare of light. Shoving her sleeves up her arms, she started to cry, surprised that she still had enough feelings for that. She didn't miss Holby, she didn't miss her job, she missed, with all her heart, the people that she loved. But it seemed like she would never find them again, that there was too much between them to ever get the ease of love back.

The heat finally got to her, and Roxanna stumbled to her feet before heading back in the direction of her hotel. Glancing at the time on her phone, she saw that it was much later than she had thought, so she stopped in the first restaurant she passed, feeling a little dizzy from the heat and humidity. "What can I get you to drink?" her server asked a few seconds after she had been seated, and she shrugged before glancing over the drinks menu.

"Water and a glass of the house Merlot," she finally said, setting that aside and giving the woman a small smile. She nodded and moved off, leaving Roxanna alone to make a choice on her food. When she still hadn't decided by the time the woman returned with her drinks, she looked up at her almost helplessly. "I'm still getting accustomed to American food. If you don't mind, please, just bring me something you like. I don't have any allergies, so there's no need to worry about that."

"Are you certain?"

Roxanna nodded, and the woman shrugged before writing something in her book and making her way over to the kitchen. She leaned back in her chair, picking up her wine glass and taking a small sip of it before checking her phone for something she knew was not there before uploading her pictures to Instagram, hoping that at least one would catch his eye. Taking a few more sips of wine, she set her glass aside and then folded her hands, waiting for her food to arrive.

The sandwich and chips were more than enough to last her all day, maybe even two, given how peckish she had been lately, but Roxanna still tucked in with as much gusto as she could muster. Roxanna tried to keep herself from looking at her phone every two seconds, but that was a failure, and she blushed with guilt when her server caught her for the tenth time sighing at nothing.

"What's their name?" she asked as she refilled her water, giving her a soft smile.

"Henrik," she breathed out, a bitter taste filling her mouth as she said it aloud. There was no sweetness in his name any longer, and that thought startled her as she looked down at her plate, feeling her appetite turn to dust. "He's back home."

"Where's home?"

"Holby City. England." She chuckled wryly as she shook her head at her inane addition. "I've had a rough go of things lately. I can't find my footing. And now…"

"He's not talking to you?" The server spoke so kindly, even though her words cut Roxanna's heart. "Have you written to him? Or called?"

"I sent him an email before I left, asking him to talk to me, but he never replied. Maybe we just were never meant to be." She pursed her lips to keep from crying in front of the woman, blinking a little before picking up her wine and taking a sip.

"Pride and hurt feelings can create rifts where we least expect them," she murmured before giving Roxanna a small nod and moving on to her other tables. She had a point, Roxanna knew that, but still, she couldn't think about putting herself out there again, of letting herself get hurt even further. She ate as much as she could, feeling her stomach rebel. The bill was dropped off a few minutes later, and she placed her credit card inside the book before handing it to her server. "Did you want a box for the rest of that?"

"No, I don't have much of an appetite these days, and it will just go to waste if I bring it back to the hotel with me. Though it was delicious?" She gave the woman a pained smile, hoping that she would understand. From the wistful nod she gave her, Roxanna knew that she got it, though it still saddened her. Letting out a deep sigh, she finished off her glass of wine before signing her name on the receipt after adding a generous tip.

Getting up from the table, Roxanna stretched a little before heading back out into the bright sunlight. Squinting a little, she allowed herself a moment to adjust to it before heading the rest of the way back to her hotel, hoping that she could find something to take her mind off just how much she missed Henrik.


	8. Desperate To Belong

The first week in Chicago had done little to convince her that there was more to her life than merely surviving, and Roxanna flopped back on her mattress as her alarm went off at seven am for the eighth morning in a row. Sighing deeply, she forced herself to sit up before pulling her legs close to her chest in an effort to try and find a reason to get out of bed and shower.

To her surprise, her phone began to ring, and she frowned as picked it up, looking at the display. "What on earth could Serena want?" she mumbled as she swiped across the display and brought the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

"Roxanna MacMillan, where are you and what are you doing?"

Though her words were harsh, beneath it all, Roxanna could hear the faint note of concern in her voice, and she let out a deep sigh. "Honestly?"

"No, lie to me. Because we all know what good lying does for everyone. Of course I want the truth!"

"Maybe I don't like the tone of your voice," she shot back petulantly, listening to the dry chuckle on the other end of the line. Another sigh slipped from her lips as she stretched her legs out and looked out the window, trying to formulate what she wanted to tell the woman. "I needed to get away. Just when I thought I was finally belonging somewhere, after everything that happened with David and Ollie, it all turned to ashes and rust when I wasn't looking. I was so desperate to belong that I threw myself into whatever project was at hand, not looking to see what it might do to me in the end."

"And that involves not calling any of us here at Holby? And you still haven't said where you are! If it's close by, I will come and shake some sense into you. Because there are many people here who are missing you!"

She let out a scoffing laugh as she shook her head, stretching out on the bed so that she was a little more comfortable. "I highly doubt that. I've been here a week, and no one has reached out to see if I'm okay. And you don't count, because I have the sneaking suspicion that you were told to do so by someone else, someone who should have had the decency to contact me himself!"

Serena let out a deep, annoyed, breath and Roxanna could almost imagine the look on her face. "If you must know, Abigail asked us to try and get in touch with you. Seems like there's more than one person you're running away from."

"I most certainly am not running away! I simply had to escape for my mental health. There's only so much disbelief that one can handle before one breaks beneath the weight of doubt. Especially when that doubt comes from the person you care for deeply." She knew that she had perhaps revealed a bit too much, but found she couldn't muster up the energy to care as she closed her eyes and allowed a few tears to roll down her cheeks. "I tried to show him the proof that John was lying to us all, and he ignored that, chose him over me, again. I couldn't deal with that. And so I came here, to try and forget about everything."

Roxanna had reached the point of not being able to keep a handle on her words, knowing that Serena would most likely think less of her for the admissions she was making. "I ran, too, you know." The soft words sounded like they were almost painful for Serena to say, and Roxanna felt her breath hitch in her throat as she waited for the woman to say something more. "My daughter died, almost two years ago now, and I couldn't face anyone at Holby City, least of all the woman I loved. So I ran to try and heal. But, and here's where we differ, I reached out to that woman, my Bernie. I was lonely, all by myself, falling into a depression that seemed to take all the color from my life and turn it to dull, drab, lifeless, grey. So don't think I don't know you. We may have different weights on our hearts, but I know what comes from being a fucking numpty. Nothing but frustration and a deeper well of loneliness."

She couldn't help but giggle a little at that, listening to Serena trill a little laugh in return. "What if he won't answer me? I sent him a long email, pouring my heart out to him, and it's been radio silence ever since. Don't you think that he should reach out to me, at least once?"

"If I know Henrik, he's probably wringing his hands, wondering what to say to you. He's always been a bit emotionally constipated, you should know that better than me, though, since you've known him longer."

Roxanna nodded a little as she took a deep breath. "Still, do you think that you could put a bug in his ear? Let him know that he is missed?"

"I will do that, Roxanna."

"Oh, and ask him not to call until noon? Even then, that makes it six in the morning here."

She knew that was almost giving her location away, but there was no way that Serena could say with any certainty that she was in Chicago, since there were a number of large cities in the Central Time Zone. "I'll let him know. Take care of yourself, Roxanna, and try not to buckle beneath the weight of your grief. I know what it's like to be close to that point. And if you need an ear to shout into, I suppose that mine is open. Okay?"

"Okay," she replied with a yawn. "Sorry, my sleep hasn't been the best this last week, I hope to talk to you soon. Bye." She hung up before Serena could say anything more, and turned the ringer off on her phone before setting it aside on the nightstand and let out a deep breath. Slipping off the bed, she padded over to her suitcase and pulled out a new set of clothes, finally wanting to wear something fresh. It didn't take long to strip off her pyjamas, and then she pulled on the fresh clothes, still breathing in the scent of sandalwood that permeated all her clothes.

Slipping her phone and key into her purse, Roxanna drew in a deep breath and headed down to the breakfast nook. Though she wasn't particularly feeling any less depressed from everything that was going on around her, there was a desire to get out and explore the city, to try and find some beauty out there. In all likelihood, she knew that she would end up going to the water once more, since that was the only place that she could find peace these days, but even then, at least she had a plan for her day, instead of the aimless wandering she had done for the last week.

There were more people in the breakfast room than usual, but Roxanna still managed to snag her secluded chair next to the fireplace, leaving her purse there whilst she made up a plate. The food, at least, seemed to be a bit more appetizing this morning, and she couldn't help but wonder if that was the result of Serena reaching out to her. Still, Serena wasn't Henrik, and Roxanna knew that her heart would still be heavy until she could find her sense of belonging in his life once more.


	9. The Darkest Cloud

Roxanna hummed a sad song beneath her breath as she rinsed the conditioner from her hair. Despite Serena's encouraging words the previous day, she hadn't found herself being any happier, which disappointed her a little. Still, she had slept a little better, which was a good way to get her bearings back somewhat. Breaking off her song, she did a final rinse of her body before turning the water off and shaking the excess water off her body before opening the door and grabbing a towel, wrapping it around her body as she stepped out of the shower and walked over to the mirror, wiping it off with her hand before taking a look at her reflection.

"I look so sad," she murmured at her reflection, trying to smile. The halfhearted gesture never reached her eyes, and she let out a little sigh as she listened to her phone start to ring in the bedroom. Shaking her head a little, she hurried out to the nightstand and picked it up, a soft gasp escaping her lips when she saw Henrik's picture staring up at her, letting her know that he was finally reaching out. Fumbling with the device, she finally managed to answer the phone, putting him on speaker as she tried to catch her breath a little. "Hello?" she said, hating how airy her voice sounded.

"Roxanna, I, I was told that now might be a good time to get in touch with you. Serena mentioned that she thought you were in Chicago?"

A loud crack of thunder startled her, and she let out a muted screech as she unplugged the phone from the charger and walked over to the window, pulling back the curtains to reveal a sky full of the darkest clouds she had ever seen, lightning sparking here and there as rain pelted down. "I never told her where I was," she finally said, trying to keep her voice even.

"Well, no, just mentioned the time difference to her. I might have taken that and assumed you would be somewhere near water, and the way you just responded told me I had chosen the right city. But did you have to choose somewhere so far away?"

This was not how she had imagined their conversation going, and she took a deep breath as she thought of what answer to give him. "I finally took your advice and decided that I needed some time away from Holby, where I could find myself once more. It was obvious that I was focusing too much on John and all that."

She listened to him breathe in deeply. "Yes, about that. I took a look at the research you brought back, and after doing a little bit of confirmation myself, I took my concerns to Ms Tate and we decided that it would be best if John was asked to step away from the trial and hand over all his research to Guy Self and have him determine if the project is still feasible or if we have to disclose to the participants that there was a serious breach of ethics. And now, with him gone, you can come home?"

Another crack of thunder caused her to shudder, and Roxanna bit her lip a little as she took a deep breath, trying to gather her thoughts before she answered him. "I'm doing really well out here, Henrik. But I will come home when I'm ready. I promise."

There was a long beat on his end of the line, and she licked her lips anxiously, knowing that he hadn't believed a word she had just said. "Roxanna, I still consider you to be a dear friend of mine, despite all the things that are currently broken between us. I know when you are trying to protect people from a truth you think they might not want to hear. What is really going on?"

Roxanna didn't want to drag him down into her depression, not when he had fought so hard to get back on even keel after what Frederick had done. She had been on his kill list, which was just another black mark against her, she thought. "I really wish that you would believe me, Henrik. I am completely fine. But would you tell me how Lofty and Dom are doing? I'm assuming they're busy, since he hasn't responded to any of my texts lately."

She thought she heard a faint tutting of his tongue, and she rolled her eyes a little as she drifted over to the bed and sat heavily on it, leaning against the headboard as she waited for him to respond. "Dominic has been busy under the load of taking on the responsibilities of running Keller, and Ben seems to be doing his best to support his fiancé. I would imagine that that is why you're not hearing from him, though I imagine that he, like me, would love to have some word from you."

There was a slight bit of censure in his tone, and she frowned deeply as she pulled her legs up to her chest as she took a few deep breaths. "Yes, well, perhaps I would have liked to have a text or email in response to my overtures."

She hadn't meant to sound so sharp, but his words had struck a nerve in her heart. "And some of us were trying to formulate what to say in response to the letter they received."

"What do you want from me, Henrik?!" she finally cried out, having reached her breaking point, fresh tears starting to run down her cheeks. "I poured my heart out to you, and then heard nothing back. Do you even know how that feels? To be so rejected by your closest friend? To think that you've irreparably broken something you desperately needed in your life? I'm drowning, Henrik, beneath waves of my own making, and I don't know how much longer I can keep my head above water."

Before he could say another word, she ended the call and buried her face in her hands, feeling herself start to weep as she ignored the sound of her ringtone, knowing that Henrik was trying to get ahold of her once more. She wouldn't dare talk to him again, not after she had just informed him of how much she was struggling. He didn't need any more burden added to him at this moment in time, she knew. Swiping her hands almost angrily at her eyes, Roxanna climbed off the bed and dressed as comfortably as she could before fleeing her room, knowing that she had to get to a safe space before did something drastic.

Stopping at the front desk, she collected herself as she waited to speak to the woman on duty. "Could you get a taxi to take me to Shedd Aquarium?" she asked shakily.

"Sure, just give me five seconds," the woman replied as she tapped away on her keyboard. "All right, the taxi will be here in about three minutes, just wait in the lobby until the doorman waves you outside. I hope you have an umbrella."

"I can handle a little rain," she murmured offhandedly, watching as the clerk shook her head and reached beneath her, making a loud clattering noise that only ceased when a triumphant smile crossed her lips. "What…?"

"Use my umbrella for the day. You can just leave it here if you get back after I'm off shift, but since I'm here until nine tonight, I don't think that will be an issue. All right?"

Roxanna knew that she couldn't refuse the offer, so she nodded a little before taking hold of the umbrella and making her way over to the doors, ready to escape, feeling like the darkest cloud in the sky was still hovering above her head.


	10. Did He Lead You In?

There had been something infinitely soothing about watching the fish swim through the water around her, and Roxanna lost herself in that feeling of floating along with them, wishing that she could actually be in that water, that she could be a fish who had no worries in the world. The day had passed by so quickly, and it wasn't until one of the workers had gently touched her arm that she realized the place had closed five minutes beforehand.

A deep sigh had slipped from her throat as she nodded, and she managed to hail a cab, asking him to take her to Tasty Asian Restaurant. He quickly got her there, taking much less than the fifteen minutes her phone has suggested would be the drive time, and she made certain to tip him well for the kindness. Taking a deep breath, she stepped inside the restaurant, smiling with relief when she saw how quiet it was, since she really wanted to be left alone.

It didn't take her long to get seated, and she was able to decide quickly, putting her complete order in with the server when he came by. Pulling her phone out of her purse for the first time that day, she found that she had missed five calls from Henrik, one from Serena, and one from Lofty. "When it rains, it pours," she said with a mirthless laugh as she then scrolled through the countless text and email notifications. Shaking her head a little, Roxanna opened her text messages and quickly replied to Lofty, sending her best wishes for his day.

 _So, it appears that a few gentle nudges were all it took for them to reach out. But you can't just shut Henrik out when things get hard. Again, probably unwanted advice, but I did that to Bernie, and it nearly destroyed us. Don't make the same mistakes I did, please. Not when you two can be so happy._

Serena's words cut to the core, because they were true, and she knew that she was shutting Henrik out by avoiding his calls, now that he was actually reaching out to her. _I was a little too raw with him today, Serena. I don't want to drag him into my depression, I don't want him to feel like he has to save me. I just need to gather my strength for him. I'm sorry._

Roxanna sent the text before she could second guess herself and then read the chain of text messages that Henrik had sent her. All of them were conciliatory and kind and she felt her heart break a little as she began to understand how he was already taking on her sorrows. Surreptitiously swiping away a tear, she tapped out a reply to him, trying to come up with the right words to say to him, but feeling like she was completely incoherent. Her appetite had started to wane by this point, but she forced herself to eat, not wanting to waste anything.

By the time she was finished, the rain of the day had mostly stopped, though she did use the umbrella on her short walk back to her hotel. The clerk glanced up at her, giving her a warm smile as Roxanna handed over the umbrella. "Did you enjoy the aquarium?" she asked, and Roxanna nodded.

"It was nice to spend a day surrounded by water. I'm sorry that this is getting back to you so late. I didn't realise how late it had gotten."

"It's easy to lose track of time in there, and yet always feel like you haven't seen everything. Purchasing the yearly membership was the best investment I ever made. Have a nice evening, Doctor MacMillan."

She nodded once more before heading to her room, locking the deadbolt behind her as she kicked off her shoes and started to pull off her clothes. A small laugh left her lips when she saw that the cleaner had folded her pyjamas and left them on the end of her bed, which made it so much easier to get ready for sleep. Tugging the soft pants on, she rubbed her hands up and down her thighs before slipping into the tank top and taking a seat on the bed.

Pulling out her phone, she plugged it into the charger and scrolled through her new notifications. Lofty had sent his thanks, along with a picture of him and Dom, which made her smile. Serena, on the other hand, had chosen to be a little salty, sending her just four words: _You are a numpty_. To her disappointment, there wasn't anything new from Henrik, though she did note that he hadn't read her text yet, either, which was more comforting than she had thought it might be. And despite doing nothing the whole day, she found herself exhausted, so she pulled back the sheets on the bed and crawled in, setting the phone aside after setting her alarm and letting her head hit the pillow, asleep almost before she knew it.

"Did he lead you in, Roxanna?" Turning her head, she gasped to see David standing in front of her, a bandage wound around his head. "Did he fool you that much?"

"Who are you talking about?" In the back of her mind, she knew that she was dreaming, but she couldn't seem to quite wake up. Seeing David, though, made her not want to wake up, since this was the only place that she could interact with him. "David? Who fooled me?"

"I did." She gasped and whirled around, finding John looming over her. She shrank back towards David in fear, wanting to be comforted by him. "I led you around by your stupid, foolish, heart, and you never saw how I was playing you. For someone so incredibly intelligent, you are most easily led astray." John reached out to touch her, and she stumbled back again, tripping over her feet and falling to the ground. Even that was not enough to wake her up, and she started crying as John advanced on her, causing her to scoot backwards until she hit a wall, and Roxanna instinctively curled into a tight ball as she screwed her eyes closed, trying to think of any way to wake herself. "Rox, you need to look at me."

His voice was low and sibilant, sinking into her brain, and she shook her head as she dug her fingers into her shins. "I won't. You're not real."

"Are you certain about that, Rox? I know so much about you, and I can tell you that he always wanted you, despite what I told you. But then you had to go and fuck everything up, and try to separate us again. Didn't you know that you'd always lose?" She felt a rough hand close around her upper arm, and that startled her into looking up into a face that was not John's.

"Henrik?" she questioned, feeling her face fall a little, trying to find an escape from her current nightmare. "What?"

"You need to let go, Roxanna. Keeping your heart in the past is only hurting you and me. There's no future for us. And I think you know that." Still, her dream vision of Henrik bent to kiss her, and she let her eyes slip closed as she tried to savor a moment that would never come in real life. The feel of his lips against her changed in a moment, and she blinked her eyes open to see that she was now kissing John. Tearing her mouth away, she heaved a little as a cruel smirk twisted his beautiful features. "Let him go," the dream wraith said as bile rose in her throat. "He never really loved you."

"No!" she screamed, finally able to open her eyes in the waking world as she sat up in bed, sucking in deep breathfuls of air as her heart raced painfully in her chest. Fumbling for her phone, she unlocked it and hurriedly pressed on Henrik's name, not even remembering to check the time before she did so.

"Roxanna? Is everything okay?"

She felt every muscle in her body relax at the sound of his voice, still thick with sleep, and promptly burst into tears. "No. I just had the worst nightmare, and I, I, I need you here. Please."

"And where is here, Roxanna?"

"The Majestic in Chicago." Those were the only words she was able to get out before her tears choked out her voice.

"I will see you as soon as possible, Roxanna. Hold on to that until I'm there." She couldn't answer him, but let out what she hoped sounded like an affirmative whimper before she ended the call and curled up into a tight ball, still sobbing, unable to fall asleep, her mind still racing from her nightmare.


	11. A Heart So Cold Within Me

Though she had forgotten to put up the do not disturb sign, the cleaners were very good at leaving her alone the next morning after they had realized she was still in bed. It was nice to have been checked on, but Roxanna was glad when they had left, since she wanted to be alone until Henrik arrived. If he arrived. A part of her was still convinced that her conversation with him had been another extension of the dream, and that her call had gone unanswered, since she had reached out at around four in the morning in Holby.

Letting out a deep sigh, she massaged her chest before turning over onto her other side. Her heart felt so cold within her chest, like a winter storm had encased it in ice in the span of an evening. Finally, unable to take how cold she was, she crawled out of bed and rummaged through her suitcase until she found her Holby hoody, and pulled it on, zipping it all the way up before getting back in the bed and pulling the covers up to her chin before trying to fall asleep again.

With her eyes closed, she couldn't pay attention to time, and Roxanna had no idea how many hours had passed before she heard her door being opened once more. Frowning a little, she turned to see who was bothering her, since she thought she had made clear that she wasn't to be bothered. A soft gasp escaped her lips when she saw Henrik standing next to her bed, a small bag in his hand, and the most worried look on his face that she had ever seen in her presence.

"Are you real?" she murmured, scooting away from him to get closer to the wall, needing space between them to try and get her bearings. "Henrik?"

"I am real, Roxanna," he murmured as he set the bag on the floor and shrugged out of his coat, hanging it in the closet behind him before turning back to look at her.

"Oh. I didn't really trust myself to think that I had called you. My mind has been distracted lately. As well you know." Henrik pursed his lips a little and she shrugged. "My nightmare last night had me convinced that you hated me."

"I could never hate you, Roxanna. You are far too dear to me for that."

She nodded and then ran her hand along the empty space next to her. "I'm not feeling much like getting out of bed today, and there isn't a chair for you to sit on. If you're staying, join me?" She stared at a spot on the mattress, not wanting to see the expression on his face, almost certain that he would reject her request. And then, she felt the bed dip beneath his weight, and she glanced over to see that he was removing his shoes, setting them next to hers before he stretched out on the bed. He was stiff and unyielding, even though he had made the effort to do as she requested. Letting out a heartbroken sigh, Roxanna turned on her side to face the wall, feeling like her tears were disappearing into snow that matched the frozen landscape of her heart.

There was a beat of silence, and then the bed was moving and shifting with him as he turned towards her, scooting closer to her until he was curled around her body, his chin coming to rest on the top of her head as he slung his arm around her waist. Roxanna tried to keep from melting into him, not wanting to invade his space, but then he was gently pulling her closer against his body until there wasn't even a millimeter between them. "If I had known that you were hurting this badly, I would have sought you out sooner, Roxanna."

"I don't think I would have let you. It's only because I was so weak that I asked you to come here at all. But, how did you manage to get into my room? Hotels in the US are incredibly strict on privacy issues."

His thumb rubbed up and down against her diaphragm as he drew in a few deep breaths. "I had a difficult time at first, until another clerk came out of the office, and asked me a few questions about you. Whatever answers I gave seemed to appease her, as she handed me a key and told me what room you were in. I think I just have an honest face."

She nodded and then burst into sudden tears, resting her hand atop his own and holding him tightly as her sobs tore from her lungs. "I missed you so much," she managed to say as she turned to face him, wrapping her arm around his waist as she snuggled in close to him, breathing in as deeply as she could, smelling the soothing scent of his cologne. "I love you, and I feel like I'm betraying David by even saying those words aloud."

"Then I will hold them in my heart until you feel ready to say them without the sting of betrayal for your husband and my friend." To her surprise, she felt him drop a tender kiss to the top of her head, the very action seeming to calm the storm raging in her heart. "Is there anything that I can do right now to make you feel better?"

"Just hold me for right now. And maybe tell me a story."

"What would you like to hear about?"

She took a deep breath as she tapped her fingers against his back, trying to think of something she'd like to hear Henrik talk about. "Tell me a little more about Serena. I haven't gotten to know her quite as well as I'd like, but she seems to understand my grief."

"Serena is a force of nature. We've gone back and forth before we settled into a very comfortable friendship. I don't know her as well now as I did a few years ago, since our paths diverged a little once she settled down with Bernie, but I do remember Ric telling me that there was this one time where she convinced him to go to this fancy dinner where an ex of his would also be in attendance. Well, since she was his designated driver, he tried to get her to take him back, and…"

"Let me guess, she grabbed a glass of wine?"

"Close, but Serena never does anything by half. She actually grabbed an entire bottle of wine and chugged it as quickly as she could to thwart him." A soft giggle slipped from her lips, and Roxanna could feel the rumble in his chest that told her he was laughing along with her. "I almost wish that I had been there to see that, honestly. Those were the halcyon days before true tragedy had touched our lives, and there are times that I miss that."

"I completely understand," she replied as she turned her head so that she could rest her cheek against his chest and listen to his heart beat. The strong, steady, thumps bled into her body, further calming her nerves as she let out a deep yawn. "I feel like I've been sleeping my life away lately, but I am so tired. Hold me?"

"As if I could ever let you go right now," he said quietly before pressing his lips to her head once more. "Sleep, darling, and I'll watch over you. It has to get better, for us both." She nodded a little as her eyes fluttered closed, something akin to peace washing over her frozen February heart.


	12. Locked To Your Chest

Roxanna woke up some time later, feeling warm and loved. Blinking open her eyes, she noticed sunlight was streaming in her room, and she smiled as she breathed in deeply. Trying to sit up, she found that she was held firmly in place by a pair of strong arms circled around her waist, holding her locked to the chest of Henrik. Her smile widened as she reached up to stroke his face, her fingertips tickled by the stubble on his chin. There was something so free and open about him in this time before he was awake, and she relished this moment, not knowing if there would be any more like it in the future.

He came awake in stages, his grip loosening slightly as his eyes began to dart back and forth beneath his eyelids. Suddenly, she didn't want him to wake up, because that would break the bubble surrounding them. The real world would come flooding back in when he woke up, and that meant she would have to acknowledge the fact that by calling him to her, she had effectively derailed any progress he might be making in his own recovery from depression. "I don't want you to see this side of me, Henrik," she said softly before leaning in and kissing his lips softly.

He let out a soft groan and Roxanna pulled away a little to watch his eyes blink open. A soft smile curved his lips up, and it was in that moment she saw that his glasses were missing, and that it softened him a little. Reaching out, she cupped his cheek and ran her thumb back and forth as their breathing synced. "Good morning, Roxanna. I think your sleep was a little less troubled, since you didn't wake up with a nightmare."

"Yes, there is that. Do you want to head down to breakfast? There's a pretty good spread that they put out here, and it's included with the room. And then I could show you my favourite place here. It's by the water, and I get to watch the boats on the lake, and just disappear for a while."

He frowned a little as he ran his hand up and down her back. "I don't like hearing my coping mechanisms come from your lips, because those never really helped me move on from the grief that kept pulling me down. My therapist has been working with me on taking concrete steps to move on from the weight of what Fredrik did and how I lost him. And how we lost David and Raf. I was trying to keep my sorrow from touching you, since it seemed like you were so close to the precipice. However, I think that that may have done more harm than good."

"Oh, you could never hurt me, Henrik. I was the one terrified of causing you to take on too much, that by caring for me, I would tip you over into the despair I was drowning in. I would never want to derail your recovery by asking you to join me in this great depression I've found myself consumed by. The media has romanticized it so much, that we are tortured souls looking for our genius by ignoring the warning signs. I thought, if one of us could get better, could move on, then it would be all right in the end. Even if I watched from the shadows."

Roxanna started to cry a little once more, and Henrik tightened his arms around her as he murmured low words of encouragement in her ear. As she drew in a shuddery breath, feeling in control once more, he stilled his hand on her back before starting to speak once more. "We have both been so incredibly blind, haven't we, Roxanna? If only we had turned to each other more, perhaps we wouldn't have had to endure quite so much sorrow. There's even a proverb in Sweden for what we should have done – shared sorrow is half sorrow."

"Serena called me a numpty," she muttered, feeling him stifle a chuckle. "Go ahead, laugh, we both know she's right."

"Then I must be a numpty, too, since I pushed you away as I did. But I really wish that you would dismiss the notion that my helping you would have pulled me down. Together, we can swim through this black sea we find ourselves in right now." He smiled against her cheek before pulling away from her and slipping off the bed. "Now, I'm going to take a quick shower and get dressed, and then we can head down to breakfast?"

She was so grateful to have him take charge in that moment that she nodded, watching him grab his bag and head into the bathroom. Roxanna waited until she heard the water running before she got out of bed, rummaging through her suitcase to find a nice outfit to wear for Henrik. Pulling out her navy skirt, she smiled and then grabbed her red flowered blouse and navy tights along with a fresh set of underwear. It didn't take her too long to change, and then she was taking a seat on the bed and brushing her hair before applying a thin layer of lip gloss, hoping that he wouldn't mind her bare face.

Twenty minutes later, Henrik reemerged wearing a navy suit and white shirt, and she smiled a little to see that he had forgone a tie, the first buttons of the shirt undone, giving him an almost carefree look. Letting out a soft sigh, she picked up her purse and then made for the door. Henrik held it open for her as they stepped out into the hall, and then he was reaching out to take hold of her hand, the gentle touch soothing her immensely. "Roxanna?"

"Yes?

"I really would like you to come home with me. I've purchased us both tickets to head back to Holby in three days. You don't have to return to work right away, if you don't feel like you are ready for that, but I need to have you near me. I missed you, even though I didn't reach out to you, since I thought you didn't want to hear from me. I was content to give you space and time, assuming that you would reach out to me when you were ready."

He broke off his words as they passed by another guest, and she squeezed his hand to let him know that he had been heard. As soon as they were alone again, she turned her face up to his and gave a small smile to him as she nodded. "I think I am ready to come home. I realized whilst I was here that I wasn't meant to be alone, that was just making things worse for me. There have been some very kind people who have reached out to me, who saw that I was sad, and cared enough to try and alleviate that, even though I don't know them." Pursing her lips a little, she drew in a deep breath through her nose, feeling his hand squeeze hers this time. "The house has been so empty lately…"

"Then come round to mine, or Serena's. I know she wouldn't mind having a pair of arms to hold a baby. Gwen is a bit of a handful at times, from what I've gathered."

"All right," she whispered, drifting closer to his side, not minding when he let go of her hand to wrap his arm loosely around her waist as they entered the breakfast room. The comfortability of the embrace told her that she was making the right decision by agreeing to come home, and even though there was a lot of work to do before she was okay, she knew that there would be people who supported her as she really took to heart that it was okay to not be okay. And that Henrik would be by her side was probably the most reassuring thing of all, since he was the stitch to her blade.


End file.
